When the Wave Grabs You

OMG! it feels likes it been months since I last recorded my thoughts and feelings into words on a blog. I checked the date published, was very close to only one month! The Sorrow Wave pulled me under putting thoughts of "pity party time!!! and I lost control of all my senses these last few weeks.  Smiles. The emotions, the tears, the sinking feelings where you lose your breath and double over into the fetal position.  Poor Baby. 

My Devil and Angel voices speak constantly in my head like a Spring breeze each pushing me toward the romp while I desperately try to will my limbs to battle the Wave and get my head above troubled waters. It reminds me of the time when I was about 7 and my Dad drove me my 8 old sister to Little Talbot Island Beach in Florida, with it ancient dunes and pristine beaches.  We all loved the beach, especially the salt waters that my Native American Father said had magical healing powers. He believed taking a swim esrvy day would give youo longer life. My sister and I were daring each other to go further out in the Atlantic Ocean when all of a sudden the white foaming end of the watering wave  crashed upon our heads and forced our little bodies to the ocean floor. The wave grabbed us and tumbled us and no matter how hard we tried to swim through and find our way out it threw us to ocean deeps again and again.  This is how I have felt these last few weeks I don't have the strength to swim.

You never know how long the wave will hold you under! A couple week or months?   Telling myself it's okay to feel the way I've been feeling with the gravity of my loss. Then, I also wonder?  Am I so emotional because I have lost my true love of fifty years.  OR ?  Is it just a wave of self-pity and fear of having to face all futures occurrences alone.  I also tell myself the sun will rise again tomorrow. 

Step in Sunbeams,

Kathie's K.I.S.S

 

LET'S KEEP GOING

 How does one "keep on truckin'" when they have lost their best friend, the love of their life, the one person that could pull you out of the doldrums with just a word or two or a smile? It's often been asked and answered "What is the one thing that you love about your partner best?"  The number one answer was "He/she makes me laugh!" 

These last couple months I have been keeping myself busy cleaning, going through cupboards and taking unnecessary stuff to the local charity drop-off and setting up my home to my liking.  I am very near to getting all of the list of Projects done. YAY! But what next?

I still have good days and bad days.  Some days a word or image or something triggers the tears and I cry and cry and cry.  Other days I tell myself "you got this!" and I carry on like I really do.  I remember before my Jim passed on we use to tease each other about who would go first saying that one could not live without the other.  After over 50 years together neither of us could truly imagine what life would be like without the other by our side.  But here I am, the one left behind, alone and sad.

Lately, I have noticed that I am starting to talk to myself or sometimes I laugh out loud when a thought filters through my mind that I apparently find funny.  Then I wonder if I am going crazy? I have never in my whole life ever lived alone and I am not familiar with what is the correct behavior for a new widow.  Does anybody really know? 

Well, I'm going to take a wild guess here and say YES it's okay to talk to yourself, it's okay to laugh out loud and it's okay to be you whatever that may be.  My advice this blog is just to accept your life one day at a time and keep on living and loving .... reach out to your family, your friends, your feelings and embrace this new unchartered life! Everyone says it gets easier as time moves on! 

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Laughter is the BEST medicine.

A FEW TIPS n' TRICKS

 Okay! Now that the Holidays are over... and I survived them fine I did a few things I'd like to share with you that helped me tremendously through this process of becoming a widow.  The first thing I did was redecorate the living room.  After it being a 'hospital' room for the last two years it was wonderful to turn it into living space that was open and matched.  First I donated the hospital bed and Jim's huge desk to Charity.  Then I got a brand new rug (blue of course) and a new recliner to match the couch.  I had our 55" flat screen TV mounted on the wall to give the living room a even more 'open' look. 

Then I tackled the front porch.  I had everything, and I mean everything, taken out and donated to Goodwill or trashed what wasn't savable. I had new screen doors placed and the windows all around were replaced by this new material like plastic that will keep out the rain and wind.  I had new outdoor carpet placed on the steps front and back and the whole porch.  I placed two small patio chairs with side table looking out the front door of porch and screened walls that lets the breeze blow softly through the porch front to back.  Behind the chairs I put my new exercise 'row boat' machine with a couple dumb bells for exercising and viola I'm good to reshape myself then sit and watch the traffic and people go by. 

Next, I went to Walgreens' and got a Nice 'n Easy coloring kit for my grey hairs.  Smiles.  A beautiful brown color with highlights.  Then I went and got a hair cut, layers, and also had my nails done.  I haven't done either of those things in over five years.  What a treat!  I am already feeling like a new woman.  I am researching having implants set for a brand new smile too.  In reality I think the new implants will be a healthy choice, like exercising.  As it now I can barely bite into some foods and I know I am not chewing as well as I should.  I think it will be a good choice for me.

Jim use to always tease me about having something to look forward to. I think that is called 'HOPE' and everyone needs HOPE.  As my Grandmother use to say "Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." 

I have several hopes going round and round in my head now... 1) Visit my virtual friends this Spring time   2) Go to a concert with my daughter   3) Take a small Cruise on a BIG ship and 4) Visit the land of my ancestors... Scotland/Ireland.  Those are future hopes but for now I still have the spare bedroom to work on.   It had turned itself into a 'catch all' room and one can barely find the floor, LOL! I hope to make it a nice craft room/guest bedroom.  That should keep me busy and take me up to the Spring time season and I shall see where I stand then.  

Don't be afraid to try new and different.  Do the small things now that you know you can and can afford.  To me it's mostly been keeping busy and working the logistics out. A lot of trips to the dumpster, a few items at a time.  

Now let's get to work ! and Happy Hoping! and Happy New Year! You got this!!! 

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

                      Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.