Family

 Shame on Me!!! It's been 16 months since I last blog on this e-blogger. Shame on Me!!! and I had great intentions to blog at least once a month after my husband's death.  Of course I was very emotional and perhaps not in my right mind.  Laughs out loud. Had high hopes for myself and really wanted to help other new 'widows'... like me.  But, like most new projects one is gun-ho at the start and then little by little your project becomes obsolete and you don't even notice you have backed away from it.

A lot has happened since my last blog ... I sold my home and moved half way across the continent to the state of Texas!  My daughter and I found a home with two master en suites, rented it and made a commitment to help each other through life's challenging obstacles.  After almost two years alone, on my own, it is sweet to be included in an active family.  Although I do feel like a fish out of water.  Things are much different now than when I raised my children and sometimes I feel out of tune with the younger generation. 

We signed a two year lease and should each save some monthly expenses, perhaps we will enjoy life a bit more now with a few less worries. To me, it's having a sounding board when making important decisions, having a best friend to party with, and sharing life's ups and downs and committing to the willingness to give my time and energy to building and living a better life for us all.  Family! we have a mutual respect and genuine love for each other naturally, and know we can work through any challenge, together, as long as we do it as a Family. 

When the Wave Grabs You

OMG! it feels likes it been months since I last recorded my thoughts and feelings into words on a blog. I checked the date published, was very close to only one month! The Sorrow Wave pulled me under putting thoughts of "pity party time!!! and I lost control of all my senses these last few weeks.  Smiles. The emotions, the tears, the sinking feelings where you lose your breath and double over into the fetal position.  Poor Baby. 

My Devil and Angel voices speak constantly in my head like a Spring breeze each pushing me toward the romp while I desperately try to will my limbs to battle the Wave and get my head above troubled waters. It reminds me of the time when I was about 7 and my Dad drove me my 8 old sister to Little Talbot Island Beach in Florida, with it ancient dunes and pristine beaches.  We all loved the beach, especially the salt waters that my Native American Father said had magical healing powers. He believed taking a swim esrvy day would give youo longer life. My sister and I were daring each other to go further out in the Atlantic Ocean when all of a sudden the white foaming end of the watering wave  crashed upon our heads and forced our little bodies to the ocean floor. The wave grabbed us and tumbled us and no matter how hard we tried to swim through and find our way out it threw us to ocean deeps again and again.  This is how I have felt these last few weeks I don't have the strength to swim.

You never know how long the wave will hold you under! A couple week or months?   Telling myself it's okay to feel the way I've been feeling with the gravity of my loss. Then, I also wonder?  Am I so emotional because I have lost my true love of fifty years.  OR ?  Is it just a wave of self-pity and fear of having to face all futures occurrences alone.  I also tell myself the sun will rise again tomorrow. 

Step in Sunbeams,

Kathie's K.I.S.S

 

LET'S KEEP GOING

 How does one "keep on truckin'" when they have lost their best friend, the love of their life, the one person that could pull you out of the doldrums with just a word or two or a smile? It's often been asked and answered "What is the one thing that you love about your partner best?"  The number one answer was "He/she makes me laugh!" 

These last couple months I have been keeping myself busy cleaning, going through cupboards and taking unnecessary stuff to the local charity drop-off and setting up my home to my liking.  I am very near to getting all of the list of Projects done. YAY! But what next?

I still have good days and bad days.  Some days a word or image or something triggers the tears and I cry and cry and cry.  Other days I tell myself "you got this!" and I carry on like I really do.  I remember before my Jim passed on we use to tease each other about who would go first saying that one could not live without the other.  After over 50 years together neither of us could truly imagine what life would be like without the other by our side.  But here I am, the one left behind, alone and sad.

Lately, I have noticed that I am starting to talk to myself or sometimes I laugh out loud when a thought filters through my mind that I apparently find funny.  Then I wonder if I am going crazy? I have never in my whole life ever lived alone and I am not familiar with what is the correct behavior for a new widow.  Does anybody really know? 

Well, I'm going to take a wild guess here and say YES it's okay to talk to yourself, it's okay to laugh out loud and it's okay to be you whatever that may be.  My advice this blog is just to accept your life one day at a time and keep on living and loving .... reach out to your family, your friends, your feelings and embrace this new unchartered life! Everyone says it gets easier as time moves on! 

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Laughter is the BEST medicine.

A FEW TIPS n' TRICKS

 Okay! Now that the Holidays are over... and I survived them fine I did a few things I'd like to share with you that helped me tremendously through this process of becoming a widow.  The first thing I did was redecorate the living room.  After it being a 'hospital' room for the last two years it was wonderful to turn it into living space that was open and matched.  First I donated the hospital bed and Jim's huge desk to Charity.  Then I got a brand new rug (blue of course) and a new recliner to match the couch.  I had our 55" flat screen TV mounted on the wall to give the living room a even more 'open' look. 

Then I tackled the front porch.  I had everything, and I mean everything, taken out and donated to Goodwill or trashed what wasn't savable. I had new screen doors placed and the windows all around were replaced by this new material like plastic that will keep out the rain and wind.  I had new outdoor carpet placed on the steps front and back and the whole porch.  I placed two small patio chairs with side table looking out the front door of porch and screened walls that lets the breeze blow softly through the porch front to back.  Behind the chairs I put my new exercise 'row boat' machine with a couple dumb bells for exercising and viola I'm good to reshape myself then sit and watch the traffic and people go by. 

Next, I went to Walgreens' and got a Nice 'n Easy coloring kit for my grey hairs.  Smiles.  A beautiful brown color with highlights.  Then I went and got a hair cut, layers, and also had my nails done.  I haven't done either of those things in over five years.  What a treat!  I am already feeling like a new woman.  I am researching having implants set for a brand new smile too.  In reality I think the new implants will be a healthy choice, like exercising.  As it now I can barely bite into some foods and I know I am not chewing as well as I should.  I think it will be a good choice for me.

Jim use to always tease me about having something to look forward to. I think that is called 'HOPE' and everyone needs HOPE.  As my Grandmother use to say "Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." 

I have several hopes going round and round in my head now... 1) Visit my virtual friends this Spring time   2) Go to a concert with my daughter   3) Take a small Cruise on a BIG ship and 4) Visit the land of my ancestors... Scotland/Ireland.  Those are future hopes but for now I still have the spare bedroom to work on.   It had turned itself into a 'catch all' room and one can barely find the floor, LOL! I hope to make it a nice craft room/guest bedroom.  That should keep me busy and take me up to the Spring time season and I shall see where I stand then.  

Don't be afraid to try new and different.  Do the small things now that you know you can and can afford.  To me it's mostly been keeping busy and working the logistics out. A lot of trips to the dumpster, a few items at a time.  

Now let's get to work ! and Happy Hoping! and Happy New Year! You got this!!! 

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

                      Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.

SELF CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

 Well, it's been six weeks since I blogged... and I am continuing on my journey as a "new widow" in her twilight years. Smiles.  

Jim has been gone 2 months, 8 days.  I think of him daily, as the 'good' memories seems to be bold and beautiful filling my heart with smiles and laughter. After returning from my "Self confidence Booster" trip I went by the Mortuary and picked up his ashes in the beautiful Urn my daughter and I chose for him.  The graphic is of a Hummingbird, his favorite, looking for nourishment.  Aren't we all. 

There are many ways to boost your self confidence.  Prove to yourself you can take care of yourself, be alone and still enjoy life!  I chose to drive 1500 miles (one way), alone, to visit my daughter and her four children, my grandchildren, the lights of my heart! I planned the trip online, found the half way point, booked a room there, checked out gas stations along the way and made a budget taking along some extra cash for incidentals, thank goodness I had none.  I took my car in for an oil change, tire rotation and just overall once over, checking it was in good shape to make the 3,000 mile round trip.  

Packing was done a little at a time daily, checking weather forecasts and preparing for anything.  I talked to my neighbors and had one pick up my mail while I was gone, another park her car in my carport to fool the burglars that someone was home and others to just keep a watchful eye out for any funny business. 

Ready, set and Gooooooooooo! Each mile driven I felt better and better.  I turned the radio up way too loud LOL and sang off-key to the tunes I knew.  I made silly shapes out of the clouds rolling by. I enjoyed the scenery and marveled at the wonderful country I live in.  There is nothing like a Road Trip to broaden your mind and horizons.  I thought of Jim and imagined how proud he would of been of me for making this unknown journey all "on my own".  Thank goodness for Google Maps because every one knows I am directionally challenged.  A navigator I am not, that was Jim's job.  I still put my right hand up to my heart like I did when we said the Pledge Allegiance to the Flag, of the United States of America, in grade school so I would know which way is left or right. Hahahhahaha

Anyhoo... my advice for new widows is pick a challenging Self Confidence Booster and go for it! I returned home a new woman.  I proved to myself I can do this! I can do anything I set my mind on!! .... and so can YOU!

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.

STARTING OVER

Starting over! That is what life feels like to me now. I'm entering a new dimension of my life. One I dreamed of, wished for. But... as Grandma always said "When all of your wishes come true, little one, your dreams may be destroyed". This is so true.  Often I dreamed of being on my own, alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way.  When I was young, I dreamed of being an Actress, Famous one day. Then I began wishing for love, and my dream disappeared. 

Now, I find myself alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way, and I choose what I want to do, have no one to tell me "that's silly to do that", or "have you considered all the consequences".  I have no one to take care of but myself. Seems I have been a caretaker since I was fifteen years old... there have always been others around I always put first and cared for before my own needs or wants. Now, after a few weeks of this new chapter in my life, I find myself wishing I still had my true love by my side. 

I must learn how to be me again. Not 'Jim and Kathie' .  Although we were two individuals, very different in personalities, upbringing, outlooks on life, we merged our hearts, soul and minds together for over fifty years becoming truly one person.  Now I am half a person and must find a way to become one, a whole person, alone.  A widow in the 21st Century. 

My solution.  Kathie's K.I.S.S. Keep it Sweet and Simple. Starting over this blog, changing name from Living with Dude n' Cancer to Kathie's K.I.S.S. Taking it slow and easy while staying busy! Inventing new ways to pass the time while encouraging myself to blossom and grow and help others (and be a happy me). Take care of myself, so that I may help others by good nourishment, exercise, connections... make them FUN! 

Kiss, kiss ♥

I MISS YOU ♥

 My beloved friend and lover for half a century has left my side.  He is no longer there for me to exchange pleasantries, laughs and life interests. I think I am at that 'angry' stage of grief when once gets mad that the other has left them all alone. At first I think I was in shock, even though for the last two years we accepted his fate and thought we had a handle on it.  Then, it happened all too quickly.

One evening he was watching a movie, Treasure Island, laughing, joking and being Jim Hess. The next evening he could not walk and barely talked. When he fell from his bed trying to get up, he was so very weak he could not muster the strength to stand back up.  I tried for about an hour to pick him up and get him back in bed but finally ended up calling 911 to assist us. 

By the second morning he was gone. I stayed by his side through out the night, dropping liquid morphine in his open mouth to help with the pain. Every two hours. Around 8:30 I went to change clothes and brush my hair and freshen up, when I came back to his bed there was no more breaths.  His body gave up to the Cancer. 

I began immediately remembering our last words and days together.  He had just said "I have this feeling I won't see you again" ... ssssoooooo sadly.  At one point, he was asking for clarification of his medications for the 100th time and I must of sounded annoyed when I answered him and he said "Please don't be mad at me." ........ my heart broke.  Of course I'm not mad at you darling, I'm mad about the situation. 

When the Mortuary folks came to pick Jim up for Creamation, they wrapped him in a beautiful burgundy blanket with good trimmings and then draped an American Flag over him.  He would of been so proud. He considered being in the US Navy one of his crowning achievements. He loved his country and was so proud to be a Veteran. 

Knowing Jim, I know he would want me to carry on, to move forward and to engage in life.  It's so very hard to do though.  Everything I see or hear reminds me of Jim and I think oh Jim loved that, or Jim use to do that or... I'm not sure how I am suppose to be now, or who I am suppose to be.  For Fifty years I was his love and he was mine.  We really were like one person ... so different in personalities and outlooks, but together we were dynamite. 

I miss him so!

I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive.