STARTING OVER

Starting over! That is what life feels like to me now. I'm entering a new dimension of my life. One I dreamed of, wished for. But... as Grandma always said "When all of your wishes come true, little one, your dreams may be destroyed". This is so true.  Often I dreamed of being on my own, alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way.  When I was young, I dreamed of being an Actress, Famous one day. Then I began wishing for love, and my dream disappeared. 

Now, I find myself alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way, and I choose what I want to do, have no one to tell me "that's silly to do that", or "have you considered all the consequences".  I have no one to take care of but myself. Seems I have been a caretaker since I was fifteen years old... there have always been others around I always put first and cared for before my own needs or wants. Now, after a few weeks of this new chapter in my life, I find myself wishing I still had my true love by my side. 

I must learn how to be me again. Not 'Jim and Kathie' .  Although we were two individuals, very different in personalities, upbringing, outlooks on life, we merged our hearts, soul and minds together for over fifty years becoming truly one person.  Now I am half a person and must find a way to become one, a whole person, alone.  A widow in the 21st Century. 

My solution.  Kathie's K.I.S.S. Keep it Sweet and Simple. Starting over this blog, changing name from Living with Dude n' Cancer to Kathie's K.I.S.S. Taking it slow and easy while staying busy! Inventing new ways to pass the time while encouraging myself to blossom and grow and help others (and be a happy me). Take care of myself, so that I may help others by good nourishment, exercise, connections... make them FUN! 

Kiss, kiss ♥

I MISS YOU ♥

 My beloved friend and lover for half a century has left my side.  He is no longer there for me to exchange pleasantries, laughs and life interests. I think I am at that 'angry' stage of grief when once gets mad that the other has left them all alone. At first I think I was in shock, even though for the last two years we accepted his fate and thought we had a handle on it.  Then, it happened all too quickly.

One evening he was watching a movie, Treasure Island, laughing, joking and being Jim Hess. The next evening he could not walk and barely talked. When he fell from his bed trying to get up, he was so very weak he could not muster the strength to stand back up.  I tried for about an hour to pick him up and get him back in bed but finally ended up calling 911 to assist us. 

By the second morning he was gone. I stayed by his side through out the night, dropping liquid morphine in his open mouth to help with the pain. Every two hours. Around 8:30 I went to change clothes and brush my hair and freshen up, when I came back to his bed there was no more breaths.  His body gave up to the Cancer. 

I began immediately remembering our last words and days together.  He had just said "I have this feeling I won't see you again" ... ssssoooooo sadly.  At one point, he was asking for clarification of his medications for the 100th time and I must of sounded annoyed when I answered him and he said "Please don't be mad at me." ........ my heart broke.  Of course I'm not mad at you darling, I'm mad about the situation. 

When the Mortuary folks came to pick Jim up for Creamation, they wrapped him in a beautiful burgundy blanket with good trimmings and then draped an American Flag over him.  He would of been so proud. He considered being in the US Navy one of his crowning achievements. He loved his country and was so proud to be a Veteran. 

Knowing Jim, I know he would want me to carry on, to move forward and to engage in life.  It's so very hard to do though.  Everything I see or hear reminds me of Jim and I think oh Jim loved that, or Jim use to do that or... I'm not sure how I am suppose to be now, or who I am suppose to be.  For Fifty years I was his love and he was mine.  We really were like one person ... so different in personalities and outlooks, but together we were dynamite. 

I miss him so!

I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive.