SELF CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

 Well, it's been six weeks since I blogged... and I am continuing on my journey as a "new widow" in her twilight years. Smiles.  

Jim has been gone 2 months, 8 days.  I think of him daily, as the 'good' memories seems to be bold and beautiful filling my heart with smiles and laughter. After returning from my "Self confidence Booster" trip I went by the Mortuary and picked up his ashes in the beautiful Urn my daughter and I chose for him.  The graphic is of a Hummingbird, his favorite, looking for nourishment.  Aren't we all. 

There are many ways to boost your self confidence.  Prove to yourself you can take care of yourself, be alone and still enjoy life!  I chose to drive 1500 miles (one way), alone, to visit my daughter and her four children, my grandchildren, the lights of my heart! I planned the trip online, found the half way point, booked a room there, checked out gas stations along the way and made a budget taking along some extra cash for incidentals, thank goodness I had none.  I took my car in for an oil change, tire rotation and just overall once over, checking it was in good shape to make the 3,000 mile round trip.  

Packing was done a little at a time daily, checking weather forecasts and preparing for anything.  I talked to my neighbors and had one pick up my mail while I was gone, another park her car in my carport to fool the burglars that someone was home and others to just keep a watchful eye out for any funny business. 

Ready, set and Gooooooooooo! Each mile driven I felt better and better.  I turned the radio up way too loud LOL and sang off-key to the tunes I knew.  I made silly shapes out of the clouds rolling by. I enjoyed the scenery and marveled at the wonderful country I live in.  There is nothing like a Road Trip to broaden your mind and horizons.  I thought of Jim and imagined how proud he would of been of me for making this unknown journey all "on my own".  Thank goodness for Google Maps because every one knows I am directionally challenged.  A navigator I am not, that was Jim's job.  I still put my right hand up to my heart like I did when we said the Pledge Allegiance to the Flag, of the United States of America, in grade school so I would know which way is left or right. Hahahhahaha

Anyhoo... my advice for new widows is pick a challenging Self Confidence Booster and go for it! I returned home a new woman.  I proved to myself I can do this! I can do anything I set my mind on!! .... and so can YOU!

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.

STARTING OVER

Starting over! That is what life feels like to me now. I'm entering a new dimension of my life. One I dreamed of, wished for. But... as Grandma always said "When all of your wishes come true, little one, your dreams may be destroyed". This is so true.  Often I dreamed of being on my own, alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way.  When I was young, I dreamed of being an Actress, Famous one day. Then I began wishing for love, and my dream disappeared. 

Now, I find myself alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way, and I choose what I want to do, have no one to tell me "that's silly to do that", or "have you considered all the consequences".  I have no one to take care of but myself. Seems I have been a caretaker since I was fifteen years old... there have always been others around I always put first and cared for before my own needs or wants. Now, after a few weeks of this new chapter in my life, I find myself wishing I still had my true love by my side. 

I must learn how to be me again. Not 'Jim and Kathie' .  Although we were two individuals, very different in personalities, upbringing, outlooks on life, we merged our hearts, soul and minds together for over fifty years becoming truly one person.  Now I am half a person and must find a way to become one, a whole person, alone.  A widow in the 21st Century. 

My solution.  Kathie's K.I.S.S. Keep it Sweet and Simple. Starting over this blog, changing name from Living with Dude n' Cancer to Kathie's K.I.S.S. Taking it slow and easy while staying busy! Inventing new ways to pass the time while encouraging myself to blossom and grow and help others (and be a happy me). Take care of myself, so that I may help others by good nourishment, exercise, connections... make them FUN! 

Kiss, kiss ♥

I MISS YOU ♥

 My beloved friend and lover for half a century has left my side.  He is no longer there for me to exchange pleasantries, laughs and life interests. I think I am at that 'angry' stage of grief when once gets mad that the other has left them all alone. At first I think I was in shock, even though for the last two years we accepted his fate and thought we had a handle on it.  Then, it happened all too quickly.

One evening he was watching a movie, Treasure Island, laughing, joking and being Jim Hess. The next evening he could not walk and barely talked. When he fell from his bed trying to get up, he was so very weak he could not muster the strength to stand back up.  I tried for about an hour to pick him up and get him back in bed but finally ended up calling 911 to assist us. 

By the second morning he was gone. I stayed by his side through out the night, dropping liquid morphine in his open mouth to help with the pain. Every two hours. Around 8:30 I went to change clothes and brush my hair and freshen up, when I came back to his bed there was no more breaths.  His body gave up to the Cancer. 

I began immediately remembering our last words and days together.  He had just said "I have this feeling I won't see you again" ... ssssoooooo sadly.  At one point, he was asking for clarification of his medications for the 100th time and I must of sounded annoyed when I answered him and he said "Please don't be mad at me." ........ my heart broke.  Of course I'm not mad at you darling, I'm mad about the situation. 

When the Mortuary folks came to pick Jim up for Creamation, they wrapped him in a beautiful burgundy blanket with good trimmings and then draped an American Flag over him.  He would of been so proud. He considered being in the US Navy one of his crowning achievements. He loved his country and was so proud to be a Veteran. 

Knowing Jim, I know he would want me to carry on, to move forward and to engage in life.  It's so very hard to do though.  Everything I see or hear reminds me of Jim and I think oh Jim loved that, or Jim use to do that or... I'm not sure how I am suppose to be now, or who I am suppose to be.  For Fifty years I was his love and he was mine.  We really were like one person ... so different in personalities and outlooks, but together we were dynamite. 

I miss him so!

I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive. 

BLOG BLOG BLAH BLAH

 Hello! it's been 20 months since my last Blog on this E-blog site... I have other blogs too that I use more often and this one was just a fluke that my daughter said I should start ... I'm not very good at 'blogging' every week, or every month or apparently not even every year (LOL).  I had decided to turn this blog into one about Cancer and my true love for 1/2 century but I guess it was way too heartbreaking or I got distracted with other activities and then forgot all about this one not wanting to face the true hurt and hopelessness of this terrible disease. 

We've been fighting this beast since April of 2018 now... and the pain has increased, his body weight decreased (down to about 140 pounds now) and we are both getting worn down.  Then Covid came along and it made it all the more difficult, not having friends and family around to help ease us down this path. I for one felt like the hermit out in the woods afraid of people. 

The pain now requires 75 mg of Morphine three times a day.  This medication scrambles the brain and makes it most difficult to even understand Jim's requests. A few times he thought he could fly or fix things but instead ended up in the Emergency room where they patched him up from his falls or cuts or broken bones; just to feel the pain of Cancer once again daily, never ending. 

I talked to a friend the other day whose sister had Cancer, and the Doctors kept her breathing and "alive" for seventeen years ... but at what expense, what quality of life, what reasoning? I don't know what will happen to my precious 'Dude', but I will be by his side no matter what and do my best to comfort and love him no matter what!