LET'S KEEP GOING

 How does one "keep on truckin'" when they have lost their best friend, the love of their life, the one person that could pull you out of the doldrums with just a word or two or a smile? It's often been asked and answered "What is the one thing that you love about your partner best?"  The number one answer was "He/she makes me laugh!" 

These last couple months I have been keeping myself busy cleaning, going through cupboards and taking unnecessary stuff to the local charity drop-off and setting up my home to my liking.  I am very near to getting all of the list of Projects done. YAY! But what next?

I still have good days and bad days.  Some days a word or image or something triggers the tears and I cry and cry and cry.  Other days I tell myself "you got this!" and I carry on like I really do.  I remember before my Jim passed on we use to tease each other about who would go first saying that one could not live without the other.  After over 50 years together neither of us could truly imagine what life would be like without the other by our side.  But here I am, the one left behind, alone and sad.

Lately, I have noticed that I am starting to talk to myself or sometimes I laugh out loud when a thought filters through my mind that I apparently find funny.  Then I wonder if I am going crazy? I have never in my whole life ever lived alone and I am not familiar with what is the correct behavior for a new widow.  Does anybody really know? 

Well, I'm going to take a wild guess here and say YES it's okay to talk to yourself, it's okay to laugh out loud and it's okay to be you whatever that may be.  My advice this blog is just to accept your life one day at a time and keep on living and loving .... reach out to your family, your friends, your feelings and embrace this new unchartered life! Everyone says it gets easier as time moves on! 

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Laughter is the BEST medicine.

A FEW TIPS n' TRICKS

 Okay! Now that the Holidays are over... and I survived them fine I did a few things I'd like to share with you that helped me tremendously through this process of becoming a widow.  The first thing I did was redecorate the living room.  After it being a 'hospital' room for the last two years it was wonderful to turn it into living space that was open and matched.  First I donated the hospital bed and Jim's huge desk to Charity.  Then I got a brand new rug (blue of course) and a new recliner to match the couch.  I had our 55" flat screen TV mounted on the wall to give the living room a even more 'open' look. 

Then I tackled the front porch.  I had everything, and I mean everything, taken out and donated to Goodwill or trashed what wasn't savable. I had new screen doors placed and the windows all around were replaced by this new material like plastic that will keep out the rain and wind.  I had new outdoor carpet placed on the steps front and back and the whole porch.  I placed two small patio chairs with side table looking out the front door of porch and screened walls that lets the breeze blow softly through the porch front to back.  Behind the chairs I put my new exercise 'row boat' machine with a couple dumb bells for exercising and viola I'm good to reshape myself then sit and watch the traffic and people go by. 

Next, I went to Walgreens' and got a Nice 'n Easy coloring kit for my grey hairs.  Smiles.  A beautiful brown color with highlights.  Then I went and got a hair cut, layers, and also had my nails done.  I haven't done either of those things in over five years.  What a treat!  I am already feeling like a new woman.  I am researching having implants set for a brand new smile too.  In reality I think the new implants will be a healthy choice, like exercising.  As it now I can barely bite into some foods and I know I am not chewing as well as I should.  I think it will be a good choice for me.

Jim use to always tease me about having something to look forward to. I think that is called 'HOPE' and everyone needs HOPE.  As my Grandmother use to say "Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." 

I have several hopes going round and round in my head now... 1) Visit my virtual friends this Spring time   2) Go to a concert with my daughter   3) Take a small Cruise on a BIG ship and 4) Visit the land of my ancestors... Scotland/Ireland.  Those are future hopes but for now I still have the spare bedroom to work on.   It had turned itself into a 'catch all' room and one can barely find the floor, LOL! I hope to make it a nice craft room/guest bedroom.  That should keep me busy and take me up to the Spring time season and I shall see where I stand then.  

Don't be afraid to try new and different.  Do the small things now that you know you can and can afford.  To me it's mostly been keeping busy and working the logistics out. A lot of trips to the dumpster, a few items at a time.  

Now let's get to work ! and Happy Hoping! and Happy New Year! You got this!!! 

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

                      Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.

SELF CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

 Well, it's been six weeks since I blogged... and I am continuing on my journey as a "new widow" in her twilight years. Smiles.  

Jim has been gone 2 months, 8 days.  I think of him daily, as the 'good' memories seems to be bold and beautiful filling my heart with smiles and laughter. After returning from my "Self confidence Booster" trip I went by the Mortuary and picked up his ashes in the beautiful Urn my daughter and I chose for him.  The graphic is of a Hummingbird, his favorite, looking for nourishment.  Aren't we all. 

There are many ways to boost your self confidence.  Prove to yourself you can take care of yourself, be alone and still enjoy life!  I chose to drive 1500 miles (one way), alone, to visit my daughter and her four children, my grandchildren, the lights of my heart! I planned the trip online, found the half way point, booked a room there, checked out gas stations along the way and made a budget taking along some extra cash for incidentals, thank goodness I had none.  I took my car in for an oil change, tire rotation and just overall once over, checking it was in good shape to make the 3,000 mile round trip.  

Packing was done a little at a time daily, checking weather forecasts and preparing for anything.  I talked to my neighbors and had one pick up my mail while I was gone, another park her car in my carport to fool the burglars that someone was home and others to just keep a watchful eye out for any funny business. 

Ready, set and Gooooooooooo! Each mile driven I felt better and better.  I turned the radio up way too loud LOL and sang off-key to the tunes I knew.  I made silly shapes out of the clouds rolling by. I enjoyed the scenery and marveled at the wonderful country I live in.  There is nothing like a Road Trip to broaden your mind and horizons.  I thought of Jim and imagined how proud he would of been of me for making this unknown journey all "on my own".  Thank goodness for Google Maps because every one knows I am directionally challenged.  A navigator I am not, that was Jim's job.  I still put my right hand up to my heart like I did when we said the Pledge Allegiance to the Flag, of the United States of America, in grade school so I would know which way is left or right. Hahahhahaha

Anyhoo... my advice for new widows is pick a challenging Self Confidence Booster and go for it! I returned home a new woman.  I proved to myself I can do this! I can do anything I set my mind on!! .... and so can YOU!

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.

STARTING OVER

Starting over! That is what life feels like to me now. I'm entering a new dimension of my life. One I dreamed of, wished for. But... as Grandma always said "When all of your wishes come true, little one, your dreams may be destroyed". This is so true.  Often I dreamed of being on my own, alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way.  When I was young, I dreamed of being an Actress, Famous one day. Then I began wishing for love, and my dream disappeared. 

Now, I find myself alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way, and I choose what I want to do, have no one to tell me "that's silly to do that", or "have you considered all the consequences".  I have no one to take care of but myself. Seems I have been a caretaker since I was fifteen years old... there have always been others around I always put first and cared for before my own needs or wants. Now, after a few weeks of this new chapter in my life, I find myself wishing I still had my true love by my side. 

I must learn how to be me again. Not 'Jim and Kathie' .  Although we were two individuals, very different in personalities, upbringing, outlooks on life, we merged our hearts, soul and minds together for over fifty years becoming truly one person.  Now I am half a person and must find a way to become one, a whole person, alone.  A widow in the 21st Century. 

My solution.  Kathie's K.I.S.S. Keep it Sweet and Simple. Starting over this blog, changing name from Living with Dude n' Cancer to Kathie's K.I.S.S. Taking it slow and easy while staying busy! Inventing new ways to pass the time while encouraging myself to blossom and grow and help others (and be a happy me). Take care of myself, so that I may help others by good nourishment, exercise, connections... make them FUN! 

Kiss, kiss ♥

I MISS YOU ♥

 My beloved friend and lover for half a century has left my side.  He is no longer there for me to exchange pleasantries, laughs and life interests. I think I am at that 'angry' stage of grief when once gets mad that the other has left them all alone. At first I think I was in shock, even though for the last two years we accepted his fate and thought we had a handle on it.  Then, it happened all too quickly.

One evening he was watching a movie, Treasure Island, laughing, joking and being Jim Hess. The next evening he could not walk and barely talked. When he fell from his bed trying to get up, he was so very weak he could not muster the strength to stand back up.  I tried for about an hour to pick him up and get him back in bed but finally ended up calling 911 to assist us. 

By the second morning he was gone. I stayed by his side through out the night, dropping liquid morphine in his open mouth to help with the pain. Every two hours. Around 8:30 I went to change clothes and brush my hair and freshen up, when I came back to his bed there was no more breaths.  His body gave up to the Cancer. 

I began immediately remembering our last words and days together.  He had just said "I have this feeling I won't see you again" ... ssssoooooo sadly.  At one point, he was asking for clarification of his medications for the 100th time and I must of sounded annoyed when I answered him and he said "Please don't be mad at me." ........ my heart broke.  Of course I'm not mad at you darling, I'm mad about the situation. 

When the Mortuary folks came to pick Jim up for Creamation, they wrapped him in a beautiful burgundy blanket with good trimmings and then draped an American Flag over him.  He would of been so proud. He considered being in the US Navy one of his crowning achievements. He loved his country and was so proud to be a Veteran. 

Knowing Jim, I know he would want me to carry on, to move forward and to engage in life.  It's so very hard to do though.  Everything I see or hear reminds me of Jim and I think oh Jim loved that, or Jim use to do that or... I'm not sure how I am suppose to be now, or who I am suppose to be.  For Fifty years I was his love and he was mine.  We really were like one person ... so different in personalities and outlooks, but together we were dynamite. 

I miss him so!

I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive. 

BLOG BLOG BLAH BLAH

 Hello! it's been 20 months since my last Blog on this E-blog site... I have other blogs too that I use more often and this one was just a fluke that my daughter said I should start ... I'm not very good at 'blogging' every week, or every month or apparently not even every year (LOL).  I had decided to turn this blog into one about Cancer and my true love for 1/2 century but I guess it was way too heartbreaking or I got distracted with other activities and then forgot all about this one not wanting to face the true hurt and hopelessness of this terrible disease. 

We've been fighting this beast since April of 2018 now... and the pain has increased, his body weight decreased (down to about 140 pounds now) and we are both getting worn down.  Then Covid came along and it made it all the more difficult, not having friends and family around to help ease us down this path. I for one felt like the hermit out in the woods afraid of people. 

The pain now requires 75 mg of Morphine three times a day.  This medication scrambles the brain and makes it most difficult to even understand Jim's requests. A few times he thought he could fly or fix things but instead ended up in the Emergency room where they patched him up from his falls or cuts or broken bones; just to feel the pain of Cancer once again daily, never ending. 

I talked to a friend the other day whose sister had Cancer, and the Doctors kept her breathing and "alive" for seventeen years ... but at what expense, what quality of life, what reasoning? I don't know what will happen to my precious 'Dude', but I will be by his side no matter what and do my best to comfort and love him no matter what! 

Time

TIME is the indefinite continued progress of existence, the events that happen in an apparently irreversible succession from the past, through the present and into the future.  Time is borrowed, we do not own it.  Time is constant, it's always there.  Time is always moving, you can not hold it or stop it.  Time is elusive, difficult to find, catch or define. 

Time, where does it go. Why can't you bottle it up and drink it later? Why does sometimes it moves so slow it's like walking in quicksand? Then other times it moves so fast you can't catch your breath as it whirls by. I have let time slip by and have not blogged here for over two years.  At my age, two years is just a blink of the eye. I remember when I was a young girl my Dad telling me that the older you got the faster time moves.  Today I know this to be true as I feel the hands of time moving faster and faster.  

It feels like only yesterday when the Doctor changed our lives with these seven dreaded words "I'm afraid its Stage IV Advanced Cancer". 

The Doctor assured us it was incurable, there was nothing the medical professionals could do for Jim except try to keep him comfortable while the Cancer consumed his body and life.  No miracle surgery.  No miracle drug.  No miracle treatments for us.  At first we were in denial.  He looked the same.  He acted the same.  He accepted the pain that comes with Cancer like one accepts a headache, wishing it away.  As the pain became more intense, we finally accepted the diagnosis and became Cancer warriors fighting the battle we knew we would never win. 

At first they gave him low dose pain pills.  Then he began taking more and more.  The medications they gave him to take daily did shrink the many tumors that popped up inside his body.  The ongoing infusions and treatments seemed to help and lessen the pain.  But like time, incurable Cancer is constant.  Cancer has a way of increasing the pain no matter what medical procedures are performed to fight the ongoing war.  After two years of medical treatments, procedures, and medications the pain has risen to a level that now is treated with Morphine and a high dose of Hydrocodone.

Jim no longer looks the same.  In the last couple months he has lost about 50 pounds.  He weighed about 230 pounds before the diagnosis,  He now weighs in at 163 pounds.  At one point he got down to 155 pounds then we started buying more fattening foods like ice cream and candy and cakes.  He doesn't really want to eat now... but makes himself eat knowing he must.  He's also experiencing 'spasms' almost daily that he says knocks him to his knees and he barely hangs on until they are over.  The pain medication does no good when it comes to these 'spasms'.  

Jim is a real trooper though. Or perhaps a real bandit.  He's dubbed himself the Mad Hatter Bandit, wearing his Jim Dandy top and steampunk goggles with a feather in his cap!  He works through the pain and recently started a new hobby that has given him a new outlook on living.  He's now anxious to get up in the morning and his creative juices start flowing washing the pain clean away as he makes wood replicas of his BB Guns from his BB Guns collection.  We "ou and ah" over each piece then hang it up on our living room walls like they were million dollar art pieces we found at the Art Gallery.  

These art pieces are immune to time.  They will last forever if not destroyed by unseen circumstances.  But more than that, they will last forever in my heart, until the end of my own timeline.  I will always be grateful for the little bit of peace and joy the BB Guns gave my Dude in the sunset of his timeline.