SELF CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

 Well, it's been six weeks since I blogged... and I am continuing on my journey as a "new widow" in her twilight years. Smiles.  

Jim has been gone 2 months, 8 days.  I think of him daily, as the 'good' memories seems to be bold and beautiful filling my heart with smiles and laughter. After returning from my "Self confidence Booster" trip I went by the Mortuary and picked up his ashes in the beautiful Urn my daughter and I chose for him.  The graphic is of a Hummingbird, his favorite, looking for nourishment.  Aren't we all. 

There are many ways to boost your self confidence.  Prove to yourself you can take care of yourself, be alone and still enjoy life!  I chose to drive 1500 miles (one way), alone, to visit my daughter and her four children, my grandchildren, the lights of my heart! I planned the trip online, found the half way point, booked a room there, checked out gas stations along the way and made a budget taking along some extra cash for incidentals, thank goodness I had none.  I took my car in for an oil change, tire rotation and just overall once over, checking it was in good shape to make the 3,000 mile round trip.  

Packing was done a little at a time daily, checking weather forecasts and preparing for anything.  I talked to my neighbors and had one pick up my mail while I was gone, another park her car in my carport to fool the burglars that someone was home and others to just keep a watchful eye out for any funny business. 

Ready, set and Gooooooooooo! Each mile driven I felt better and better.  I turned the radio up way too loud LOL and sang off-key to the tunes I knew.  I made silly shapes out of the clouds rolling by. I enjoyed the scenery and marveled at the wonderful country I live in.  There is nothing like a Road Trip to broaden your mind and horizons.  I thought of Jim and imagined how proud he would of been of me for making this unknown journey all "on my own".  Thank goodness for Google Maps because every one knows I am directionally challenged.  A navigator I am not, that was Jim's job.  I still put my right hand up to my heart like I did when we said the Pledge Allegiance to the Flag, of the United States of America, in grade school so I would know which way is left or right. Hahahhahaha

Anyhoo... my advice for new widows is pick a challenging Self Confidence Booster and go for it! I returned home a new woman.  I proved to myself I can do this! I can do anything I set my mind on!! .... and so can YOU!

Kathie's K.I.S.S.

Together we will travel the road beneath the stormy rain.

STARTING OVER

Starting over! That is what life feels like to me now. I'm entering a new dimension of my life. One I dreamed of, wished for. But... as Grandma always said "When all of your wishes come true, little one, your dreams may be destroyed". This is so true.  Often I dreamed of being on my own, alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way.  When I was young, I dreamed of being an Actress, Famous one day. Then I began wishing for love, and my dream disappeared. 

Now, I find myself alone, my own boss, slave, living life my way, and I choose what I want to do, have no one to tell me "that's silly to do that", or "have you considered all the consequences".  I have no one to take care of but myself. Seems I have been a caretaker since I was fifteen years old... there have always been others around I always put first and cared for before my own needs or wants. Now, after a few weeks of this new chapter in my life, I find myself wishing I still had my true love by my side. 

I must learn how to be me again. Not 'Jim and Kathie' .  Although we were two individuals, very different in personalities, upbringing, outlooks on life, we merged our hearts, soul and minds together for over fifty years becoming truly one person.  Now I am half a person and must find a way to become one, a whole person, alone.  A widow in the 21st Century. 

My solution.  Kathie's K.I.S.S. Keep it Sweet and Simple. Starting over this blog, changing name from Living with Dude n' Cancer to Kathie's K.I.S.S. Taking it slow and easy while staying busy! Inventing new ways to pass the time while encouraging myself to blossom and grow and help others (and be a happy me). Take care of myself, so that I may help others by good nourishment, exercise, connections... make them FUN! 

Kiss, kiss ♥

I MISS YOU ♥

 My beloved friend and lover for half a century has left my side.  He is no longer there for me to exchange pleasantries, laughs and life interests. I think I am at that 'angry' stage of grief when once gets mad that the other has left them all alone. At first I think I was in shock, even though for the last two years we accepted his fate and thought we had a handle on it.  Then, it happened all too quickly.

One evening he was watching a movie, Treasure Island, laughing, joking and being Jim Hess. The next evening he could not walk and barely talked. When he fell from his bed trying to get up, he was so very weak he could not muster the strength to stand back up.  I tried for about an hour to pick him up and get him back in bed but finally ended up calling 911 to assist us. 

By the second morning he was gone. I stayed by his side through out the night, dropping liquid morphine in his open mouth to help with the pain. Every two hours. Around 8:30 I went to change clothes and brush my hair and freshen up, when I came back to his bed there was no more breaths.  His body gave up to the Cancer. 

I began immediately remembering our last words and days together.  He had just said "I have this feeling I won't see you again" ... ssssoooooo sadly.  At one point, he was asking for clarification of his medications for the 100th time and I must of sounded annoyed when I answered him and he said "Please don't be mad at me." ........ my heart broke.  Of course I'm not mad at you darling, I'm mad about the situation. 

When the Mortuary folks came to pick Jim up for Creamation, they wrapped him in a beautiful burgundy blanket with good trimmings and then draped an American Flag over him.  He would of been so proud. He considered being in the US Navy one of his crowning achievements. He loved his country and was so proud to be a Veteran. 

Knowing Jim, I know he would want me to carry on, to move forward and to engage in life.  It's so very hard to do though.  Everything I see or hear reminds me of Jim and I think oh Jim loved that, or Jim use to do that or... I'm not sure how I am suppose to be now, or who I am suppose to be.  For Fifty years I was his love and he was mine.  We really were like one person ... so different in personalities and outlooks, but together we were dynamite. 

I miss him so!

I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive. 

BLOG BLOG BLAH BLAH

 Hello! it's been 20 months since my last Blog on this E-blog site... I have other blogs too that I use more often and this one was just a fluke that my daughter said I should start ... I'm not very good at 'blogging' every week, or every month or apparently not even every year (LOL).  I had decided to turn this blog into one about Cancer and my true love for 1/2 century but I guess it was way too heartbreaking or I got distracted with other activities and then forgot all about this one not wanting to face the true hurt and hopelessness of this terrible disease. 

We've been fighting this beast since April of 2018 now... and the pain has increased, his body weight decreased (down to about 140 pounds now) and we are both getting worn down.  Then Covid came along and it made it all the more difficult, not having friends and family around to help ease us down this path. I for one felt like the hermit out in the woods afraid of people. 

The pain now requires 75 mg of Morphine three times a day.  This medication scrambles the brain and makes it most difficult to even understand Jim's requests. A few times he thought he could fly or fix things but instead ended up in the Emergency room where they patched him up from his falls or cuts or broken bones; just to feel the pain of Cancer once again daily, never ending. 

I talked to a friend the other day whose sister had Cancer, and the Doctors kept her breathing and "alive" for seventeen years ... but at what expense, what quality of life, what reasoning? I don't know what will happen to my precious 'Dude', but I will be by his side no matter what and do my best to comfort and love him no matter what! 

Time

TIME is the indefinite continued progress of existence, the events that happen in an apparently irreversible succession from the past, through the present and into the future.  Time is borrowed, we do not own it.  Time is constant, it's always there.  Time is always moving, you can not hold it or stop it.  Time is elusive, difficult to find, catch or define. 

Time, where does it go. Why can't you bottle it up and drink it later? Why does sometimes it moves so slow it's like walking in quicksand? Then other times it moves so fast you can't catch your breath as it whirls by. I have let time slip by and have not blogged here for over two years.  At my age, two years is just a blink of the eye. I remember when I was a young girl my Dad telling me that the older you got the faster time moves.  Today I know this to be true as I feel the hands of time moving faster and faster.  

It feels like only yesterday when the Doctor changed our lives with these seven dreaded words "I'm afraid its Stage IV Advanced Cancer". 

The Doctor assured us it was incurable, there was nothing the medical professionals could do for Jim except try to keep him comfortable while the Cancer consumed his body and life.  No miracle surgery.  No miracle drug.  No miracle treatments for us.  At first we were in denial.  He looked the same.  He acted the same.  He accepted the pain that comes with Cancer like one accepts a headache, wishing it away.  As the pain became more intense, we finally accepted the diagnosis and became Cancer warriors fighting the battle we knew we would never win. 

At first they gave him low dose pain pills.  Then he began taking more and more.  The medications they gave him to take daily did shrink the many tumors that popped up inside his body.  The ongoing infusions and treatments seemed to help and lessen the pain.  But like time, incurable Cancer is constant.  Cancer has a way of increasing the pain no matter what medical procedures are performed to fight the ongoing war.  After two years of medical treatments, procedures, and medications the pain has risen to a level that now is treated with Morphine and a high dose of Hydrocodone.

Jim no longer looks the same.  In the last couple months he has lost about 50 pounds.  He weighed about 230 pounds before the diagnosis,  He now weighs in at 163 pounds.  At one point he got down to 155 pounds then we started buying more fattening foods like ice cream and candy and cakes.  He doesn't really want to eat now... but makes himself eat knowing he must.  He's also experiencing 'spasms' almost daily that he says knocks him to his knees and he barely hangs on until they are over.  The pain medication does no good when it comes to these 'spasms'.  

Jim is a real trooper though. Or perhaps a real bandit.  He's dubbed himself the Mad Hatter Bandit, wearing his Jim Dandy top and steampunk goggles with a feather in his cap!  He works through the pain and recently started a new hobby that has given him a new outlook on living.  He's now anxious to get up in the morning and his creative juices start flowing washing the pain clean away as he makes wood replicas of his BB Guns from his BB Guns collection.  We "ou and ah" over each piece then hang it up on our living room walls like they were million dollar art pieces we found at the Art Gallery.  

These art pieces are immune to time.  They will last forever if not destroyed by unseen circumstances.  But more than that, they will last forever in my heart, until the end of my own timeline.  I will always be grateful for the little bit of peace and joy the BB Guns gave my Dude in the sunset of his timeline. 

 

Tacos and Poker

Jim's been craving 'homemade' tacos for weeks now and finally his taste buds were satisfied Saturday night along with his love of poker and love of his grand children.  He's always loved the game of poker, often fondly reminiscing about playing poker with the guys on his assigned ship when he was in the Navy.  He tells the story of holding A's and 8's (just like "Wild Bill" Hickok, an American Old West folk hero) when his ship was fired upon sitting off shore in Vietnam and the crew was called to battle stations having to leave their cards and bets on the table.  Few know that Hickok's true name is "James" Butler Hickok.  Few know that Jim's true name is "James" Edward Hess.  

James is one of the most common male names in the English-speaking world. In the United States James was one of the five most common names for male babies for most of the Twentieth Century. Its popularity peaked during the Baby Boom (Census records 1940-1960), when it was the most popular name. Mentioned in the Bible is another James (known as 'James the Just') the brother of Jesus.  Jim (James) was born in the month of October, sign of the scales - Libra. He's always been 'just' and 'fair' and this quality is most likely one of the reasons his Facebook group 'Fair Play for JFK' is so well respected and so popular.  

When our own kids were little, we often had Family night where we spent hours playing board games or card games. Poker was always our most favorite.  We sat at the kitchen table and used whatever we could find to use as poker chips such as pennies, dry beans, or toothpicks.  We stuffed our bellies with snacks and candy as laughter and love covered our family like a warm blanket.  It was a night to stay up late, a night to bond and a night to make memories that we all shall cherish for a lifetime.  

Good food, games and children, what more fun can one have?  We had a wonderful time reliving 'Poker Night' with the Bellahs (our daughter Tiffany, her husband Shawn and their four precious children - Grace 16, Joy 10, Chance 8 and May 6).  Joy won the big hand of the night with a game of No Peekie and Tiffany was the overall winner with the most chips at the end of our evening.  Oh, btw, we now have real chips, although I do miss substituting our play chips with odd items one might find hanging around the home.  One can always find happiness though just hanging around the family! Family means LOVE!!!  Family matters! 

In the beginning...

The first time I saw the Dude, I was still in my teens, awed by life and feeling invincible.  I stood in the doorway of the downtown San Diego neighborhood beer bar called Broadway's Beer Bar, that my friend Glenn owned, scanning the occupants looking for someone when my eyes suddenly locked onto the gorgeous blond hunk leaning over the pool table.  He was playing alone. My heart skipped a beat then resumed beating at a faster pace picking up speed as I slowly walked inside.

I was glad I was wearing sunglasses and my favorite dress, a forest green scooped neck mini with delicate silver chains looped from side to side down the front bodice.  My long blonde hair, which hung straight, as was the style in the sixties, tickling the small of my back, was parted in the middle .  The blond 'greek God' looked up, his eyes never left mine as he successfully completed his break shot, then he winked at me and smiled.  I smiled back. The rest as they "is history".

Our history, our love, our lives together over the last 49 years have had their ups and downs like all couples have filled with challenges and choices.   We did not choose Cancer, it seems it chose us.  For the last four months we have lived in Emergency Rooms, Doctors' offices and various Laboratories where Dude has undergone a series of tests and procedures pinpointing his diagnosis.  Incurable Cancer.  After getting over the initial shock we have accepted our destiny.  We pray for peace, search for hope and vow to keep 'our love' healthy.

I first started this blog, encouraged by my daugther, back in 2011 when we were nooby retirees .  After only one post I then got busy with life, virtual worlds and internet games and began blogging about my fantasy avatar, Sunbeam Magic, instead.                               

I had completely forgotten I had even started this eBlog.  It was originally called "Magical Mystical Moments".  Cancer is not magical nor mystical so I changed the name of this blog and decided to journal this trip, record some of our history, as we navigate through the deep emotions and strong tides pulling us out of our comfort zone into this riptide called Cancer.